Robert Beeson
But it only seems that way…
For the last 5 years I have been stewing, storing and shaping the stories of being a single parent. I have been talking, AT LENGTH, about the book I am working on -
Solo
Fear, fatigue and the restoration of the single parent.
Well, the time is here for me to ‘get cracking’ on getting it in some from that looks different than my scattered notes and musings.
So, here I go diving into the deep end.
I may be blogging a bit here and there, but for the most part my focus (outside of iShine) will be putting some wheels on the journal of my Solo parenting experience, in the hope that it will, God willing, ‘lighten the load’ of others that find themselves on the same path.
If you think of it. Pray for me.
It occurs to me that if we felt as bad about the things we didn’t do as the things we did do… our communities, and the world for that matter, would be a better place.
So much shame is put on the mistakes we make instead of the opportunities we miss to love others.
In other words… so much time is spent on us… not others.
I don’t know the origin of why we focus on the past rather than ‘right now’, but in my not so humble opinion Christians could be so much more effective in this world if we would look for things we should do instead of what we shouldn’t do… seems simple enough.
Besides the obvious of reaching out to the world we need to start right here. Right now
We should take more time with our families… really engaging, not just ‘doing time’.
We should find those hurting and in need and help lighten the burden.
We should listen when others talk, show respect and restraint. Stop listening to the words – seek intent.
We should reach out to those in our vicinity… work, school, neighborhoods with a simple word of encouragement.
We should forgive those who have wronged us.
We should tell those we care for that we love them and how valuable they are to us.
We should show compassion on those that are struggling, not judge.
We should treat everyone better than we would treat ourselves.
We should find ways to help those around us… not wait for obvious need. Help in the small things.
We should find ways to unite, bring people together, rather than divide.
We should give… not just money… but, as important, our time.
We should be patient.
Above all, remember Jesus’ commandment that summarizes all others: “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” John 15:12
Note: “Love one another” means “love all people,” not just “love other Christians.”
Until we get a good handle on that commandment I say we lighten up on being so critical of those around us and ourselves.
So today, if you are carrying a burden… beating yourself up over a mistake… or living in fear of making the wrong move, stop for a second and spend at least equal time finding ways to be proactive with the Love we have, not just defensive or defeated.
I truly believe that as a result, amazing fruit from life giving seeds will grow .
I was talking to a good friend the other night about relationships. This person was telling me about someone they knew who had recently been divorced, and how now he was so accommodating… to the point of annoyance. They also mentioned that this person, while married, had been accused of being too controlling.
It occurred to me that what might be happening here was something that I have made the mistake of doing in the past. Fixing past shortcomings with current situations…
Kinda paying penance or trying to prove to myself that I am NOT what I was accused of…
the problem with this is that it isn’t genuine… it’s a game… it’s denial… a lie.
As a divorced man, and although I am resolved to the fact that my ex’s poor life choices led to the ultimate demise of our marriage… I certainly contributed to it… So areas like ‘being controlling’, that I was accused of, I have now found myself over compensating to prove the invalidity of the accusation.
Problem is… I was controlling… but now has little to do with yesterday. I cant fix or ‘re-do’ my past… I can only build the new.
I am thankful for God’s grace that covers our failures. It’s just that accepting grace means letting go of the infraction. We have to stop trying to prove to ourselves that we don’t have shortcomings…
We have to accept shortcomings as a pathway to redemption and from that position re-establish a true foundation. One founded on grace, mercy and second / multiple chances..
We can’t use the current relationships to process through old stuff… It’s not fair to others, it squelches the joy out of what we have and it puts the relationship needlessly at risk…
What we CAN do is remember on our shortcomings and pray God’s strength to straighten our ways and live gratefully, fully embracing the gift the present.
Anyone else try to fix the past with the present? How do you YOU not relive the past and at the same time grow…
If you found this helpful – check out these What to do with second chances – a confession and The most important step
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For me, being a supermodel is definitely a heavy load!
I know you can relate…
I think the key is focusing on a few things at a time, and being deliberate about those things first.
I explain in this short video - Life as a supermodel
If you found this helpful – check out these What to do with disrespect and Being selfish as a way of serving.
If you would like these posts sent directly to you via email simply click HERE.
Have you ever asked your kids what they thought YOU could work on as a parent?
I did. (I’ve got some work to do…)
Patience. Patience. Patience.
Here’s what my daughter said in this 30 sec video - I wish single parents wouldn’t….
What do you think, HONESTLY, your kid’s would say if asked the same question – What could I as a parent do better?
If you found this helpful – check out these
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( FIRST, I KNOW I SPELLED IT WRONG IN THE TITLE OF THE VIDEO:) )
As our kids get older, especially as teen agers, it seems sometimes all we are doing is correcting – at least thats the way it feels for me.
Well, you have heard of the “Love dare” from the movie Fireproof right – (one kind act a day day for 40 days) well, I have a similar ’dare’ for us parents
Look, find and express AT LEAST one word/thought a day of encouragement.
Sounds easy enough… well, the challenge is how you approach it – I explain in this video - Just one word a day to mould a young life
If you found this helpful – check out these What to do with disrespect and Being selfish as a way of serving.
If you would like these posts sent directly to you via email simply click HERE.
I don’t remember who told me about this, BUT one of the most useful bits of advice I got upon becoming a single parent was this.
Find things that you don’t enjoy doing, hate doing, or are just a nuisance, and make them the consequences for our kids disobedience.
What do I mean by this?… It means that if there are certain chores around the house that you don’t enjoy doing, (for me it’s folding the laundry and putting the laundry away), make and keep a list of those things and delegate those as consequences to give out to our kids.
Often I find myself trying to think of consequences to give my kids when they disobey: some choose spanking, some give timeout … but for me, I figure why not turn it into a useful, constructive part of everyday life that contributes to ease my workload.
So instead of spanking, or timeout– I assign my least favorite chores whenever, and to whoever, deserves a consequence. For me it’s folding and putting away the laundry. For you maybe it’s cleaning the baseboards around the house or toilets…. Whatever it might be… If you are a single parent like me, or for that matter any parent… I know there are things around your house the you hate to have to do.
So, my suggestion for today, is find those things that are your least favorite chores around the house, make a list of them, and refer back to them when it’s time to dole out consequences. It serves 2 purposes
1. It gets your least favorite things done around the house
2. It provides a consequence for disobedience
What are some things that would be on your list of least favorite chores?
If you found this helpful – check out these You as the center of the universe and How to manage your weekends.
If you would like these posts sent directly to you via email simply click HERE.
I had posted this awhile ago on a different blog but I wanted to share again because the idea of second chances or starting again is one we all have to get our heads around – especially as SoloParents.
One of the most profound lessons I have learned is this.
It was late September 11 and EARLY morning of September 12, 2002. A night I am not proud of, but one I hope to never forget.
Some very dear friends and I spontaneously decided to celebrate one of our friend’s birthdays further into the evening than we had originally planned. We had met for drinks at about 5pm and at about 8pm we called for a limo to see us thru the rest of the night. (back story – I was President of one of the fastest growing Christian record companies at the time – very driven – very self absorbed ) So we partied into the night finally getting back to the place we left our cars around 2 am.
By this time I was drunk. Real drunk. Not becoming of a Christian music executive. Like I said- not proud of this.
Anyway, for some reason I, and another friend of mine ,(also drunk), thought it would be a funny gag to go key (scratch up) another prominent Christian artist’s promo van. (this artist was also a friend, but the label he was on was, in my eye’s, was a competitor)
So we did.
What we didn’t know was the whole thing was being video taped.
Fast forward to when I sobered up, when I had to sit with my ‘competitor’ and admit what I had done, when I realized that I could lose it all (from a career standpoint) that the most amazing thing happened.
I was given Grace.
The very person that could have destroyed my reputation, my lively hood, my career looked in my eyes and said.” I forgive you.” he went on, “In fact, if anyone at this company mentions what happened and I hear about it I will fire them.” then he prayed with me and gave me his Bible.
This stunned me. It went against all my drive and ‘ambitional’ instincts… It was not understandable.
Im taking awhile to get to the point, but context is so important.
You see, I deserved to be brought down form glory. Humiliated. Punished… but what I got instead was Mercy, Grace, Love … a gift.
The gift of a welcoming arm and a brotherly embrace… Much like the prodigal received from his father after being off to his own destruction… Its a heavy load… Hard to grasp…Hard to accept.
I was having coffee with a very wise man shortly after all this happened and he said something to me that I will never , ever forget.. He said,
“even though it is hard to get your head around this kind of grace, and even though its hard to bring your self to do it, sometimes the prodigal just needs to dance…
Dance at the party being thrown in his honor.
Dance even though he should be banished.
Dance because we must celebrate our fathers love for us”.
At some point the prodigal son had to let the past go… embrace the celebration… as shameful as he must have felt…He must have struggled with the idea but ultimately surely he danced at the party his father was throwing for him. The idea of not dancing at our own party, a party thrown for us seems rude and ungrateful. (those of you that know me know I’m not a dancer to begin with:) )
What I learned from these Godly men was,
First, there are Godly men…
Second, once grace has been extended we cant live as if it has not…
We must accept that “by grace we have been saved” and live in a humble spirit of celebration… the son or daughter that once was lost has come home.
He says that you are worth celebrating.
Have you been given grace… are you celebrating it or are you still holding on to what he has completely lost memory of?
Well stop, surrender and be excited… we all have been given a pardon… more than we deserve… Lest any man should boast.
Let’s live life as the celebration that it is.
What are you holding onto that prevents you from dancing and celebrating in His grace?
If you found this helpful – check out these Being Selfish as a way of serving and The most important Step
I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine last night and he said something brilliant in passing… (which happens most times I get to spend time with him)
We were talking about parenting, disciplining and overall, raising kids. (but I believe this applies to any kind of relationship)
Now, I had just had a run in with one of my girls and I was discussing how things really change the older they get. His brief but poignant response was simple but profoundly helpful to me…
“yeah, sometimes parenting is not intuitive”
…it really struck me as something that I had been uncovering, but had not yet defined or articulated quite as well…
Sometimes parenting goes against our gut, or against what we feel.
Parenting doesn’t always come naturally, because we want to be sympathetic leaders, sympathetic to what we see and hear from our kids…. but here’s the rub…The older kids get the more they learn our ‘buttons’…the more they learn the art of negotiation and the skills of deflecting. If we are are to go along with our feelings and not defined boundaries we are doing our kids a great disservice.
No must mean no… Don’t lie must mean don’t deceive… whether spoken or implied.
Grey is an unstable state of being when we don’t hold to fast to black or white.
Kids need boundaries…Relationships need boundaries… and if we don’t clearly define and stick to them, the foundation we are trying to set cannot be stable or safe.
So when empathy or sympathy creep in because we are caused to second guess our ‘lines in the sand’ step back… get beyond feeling and enforce what we know and trust rather than the emotion we are in. (a subtext to all this is this…Create moments of clarity and quiet, then define those absolute boundaries so that we can recall what we know to be right)
Relationships will not grow if we just go by how we feel in the moment… We all want to count on something… To know there are absolutes. If all we do is get tossed by feelings we are not being good to one another. We are not building a foundation of trust. We are not being good parents.
Do you struggle with this as much as I do?
The older our kids get the more and more they show disrespect towards us.
Being a single parent you get it all with no one else to shoulder the load.
This happens to us all, heres how I try to deal with it.
I explain in this 2 minute video, What to do with disrespect.
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